The Best (and Worst) Actually Funny Dad Jokes 👋

‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something. S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.

My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.'

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.

A steak pun is a rare medium done well.

Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.

We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.