The Best (and Worst) Classic Dad Jokes 👋

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.

My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.

I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.

Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.

I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.

I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.

Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.

How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!

What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”

A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”

My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.