The Best (and Worst) Dad Jokes for Adults 👋

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom? Because her pee is silent.