The Best (and Worst) Dad Jokes for Adults 👋

What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.

I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security. Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.

A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman... "What's goin on?" asks the barman. The guy replies, "Just had my first blow-job today""Well done" says the barman, "Celebrating?""Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"

I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too.

A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech. In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.

Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease. Guy: How rare?Doc: Really rare.Guy: What’s it called?Doc: You choose.

I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"She : "Let's see how this date goes first"

Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -

Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office. Bill says - been there, done that ...

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires.

My Uncle just said to me, “All these mass shooting are happening because kids these days are so self entitled.” I said, “Why? Because they want to keep all the bullets?”Seriously, Fuck Him.

Sent to Jail. After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

The police just arrested the world's tongue twister champion. They say he'll be given a tough sentence.

What happens to bees when they get swatted by the Walking Dead? They turn into zom-bees.