The Best (and Worst) Dad Jokes for Adults 👋

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.

My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.

I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.

One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

[DIRTY] Eye exam Eye specialist: "Sir, you need to stop masturbating." Patient: " Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?" Eye specialist: "No. It's disturbing the other patients."

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick? He took her out.

One of my patients forgot their stool sample today I guess some people just don’t give a shit