The Best (and Worst) Dad Jokes for Adults 👋

I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot. I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."The doctor says, "Mine is."

I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast.

I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It's my new years resolution.

I saw a 1000 year old oil stain... It was from ancient Greece.

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

When I told my parents that I'd lost all of my senses except hearing and taste, they kicked me out They won't support me now that they know I'm bisensual

I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer... I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.

And the first prize is [drum roll]: One night with Donald Trump. Second prize is two nights.

What's the difference between select and choose? Select means to pick something, choose are what Puero Ricans wear on their feet.