The Best (and Worst) Funny Fatherhood Jokes 👋

I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?

A haircut is the biggest waste of money. I pay the same to get them all cut.

A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.'

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.'

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.

Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.

Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.'

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.'

I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'

Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.