The Best (and Worst) Funny Fatherhood Jokes 👋

English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative." From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

For the next two days you can call me Edward... I'll be snowed in

Deer customer, You are a deer, get the hell out of here, you’re spreading your ticks everywhere, thank you.

I have just started a relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding but quite challenging though... It took months to get her husband's voice right.

I asked my husband whether I’m the only one he’s been with He said yes, all the others were 9’s and 10’s.Send bail money.

Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.

What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'

Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.

I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.

I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.