The Best (and Worst) Funny Fatherhood Jokes 👋

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*

Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero. I think hispanic buying.

Im sexually attracted to pillows I sleep with one every night

By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ... ... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

2 electricians got into an argument.. It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.Shocking.

Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"

Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?" Donald replies "No. Iran."

So I went to Iraq for holidays... And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home... Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself. So I called the suicide hotline... They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.

Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something. Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day.

my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...

Best Man Speech "My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials, butshort enough to hold your attention."

What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator? Bernie's Handers.