The Best (and Worst) Funny Fatherhood Jokes 👋

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed ... in a series of small fires.

So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex." She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?... Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening.

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel. Got kicked out of pottery class too.

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man..

Every time I walk through the cemetery I text my x. Wish you were here.

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam.

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her. Lucky guess.

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos.

I still remember what my mother in law said just before she died "Stop shaking the ladder YOU LITTLE $#%@!"

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east? ... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it.

How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!