The Best (and Worst) Funny Fatherhood Jokes 👋

So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them. Me: how do you want me to stop?Wife: whatever means necessary.Me: ...? No it doesn't.

I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.” Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain... ...he received a precipitation trophy

Son, as a reward for graduating high-school at the top of your class, we've decided to pool or money and send you abroad! Son: Is she hot?

How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just talk about how good the old one was.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

China may be catching up to the US economically... ...but they definitely won’t outweigh us.

Why do they play baseball games at night? Because the bats are asleep during the day.

What gamble do English grads have to perfect to become the most dominant in their class? The Alpha Bet.

What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up? Aww shucks

After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'

Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'

Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.'

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.