The Best (and Worst) Funny Fatherhood Jokes 👋

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion? An ion!

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?" Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase. I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".(Hopefully it isn't a repost)

What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970? Insemination.

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day... 2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR.

Three old women are sitting at a park bench, talking about the weather when suddenly a naked man runs past them. Th first woman has a stroke. the second one has a stroke as well. the third one almost had a stroke, but her arms were too short.

Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today. He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"

A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?" The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."

Avengers cast Interviewer: are you a humanAvengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that

I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy... "You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!" I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...C:\Users\Karen>taskmgr.exe

my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...

How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.