The Best (and Worst) Dad Jokes for Adults 👋

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

When a John asks a prostitute what he can get for $50... He is asking a trick question.

Roses are red, the sky is pink This water tastes funnyNice to meet you I live in flint

Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

My new breast reduction clinic is called ... Tits for tats.

" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed. " Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "

A man was finishing reading a book when all of a sudden he had an urge to start masturbating. He finished at the end of the book You can say he *Came to a conclusion*

My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress I can't wait to push her down the stairs

I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll? FOUR!!!I'm going to Hell.

Mary had a little lamb... Her gynecologist fainted.

Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week.

My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't .... ..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.

What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror.