The Best (and Worst) Dad Jokes for Adults 👋

Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.

My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank.

What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.

What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.

I just saw a squirrel pooping. That shit was nuts.

For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.