The Best (and Worst) Funny Fatherhood Jokes 👋

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat. “Have you been drinking?” The officer asks. “Just water,” says the priest. “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Is it hard to spot a leopard? No. They come that way. \- Courtesy of my eight year old, about ten seconds ago.

I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift. He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'

I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.'

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!'

Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.

Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.'

I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!

What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!

What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.'

I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.'