The Best (and Worst) Funny Fatherhood Jokes 👋

The thought process of a wounded animal and a second grader on picture day is pretty similar, Show your teeth and maybe they’ll go away

Who'd want to be Trump's security guard ? \- you shout "Donald, Duck" & everybody would just laugh

My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that...

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.

Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change.

My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation.

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.'

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.

If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.

What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.