The Best (and Worst) Dad Jokes for Adults 👋

I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession, Good thing I suck at self deprecation.

My girlfriend keeps joking she’s addicted to chocolate. She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, “Now that, see that? Why can’t you be that skinny?”

I have pictures of girls showing their tits. I keep them on my flash drive.

If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis... it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless

What was the epileptic chefs special menu item? Seizure Salad.

I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.

What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.

I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.'

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.

I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.'

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'