The Best (and Worst) New & Fresh Dad Jokes 👋

“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness.

How do drummers ask if they can take a break? It’s quite simple“Hey, you guys think we can work on stairway to heaven for a bit?”

I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there.

Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold. I just heard the President likes gold in showers.

Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake

Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply

Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time

What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier

[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf.

What's a weeb's favorite element? Manga-nese

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas? Corollavirus. Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering She wasn't Aladdin.

When a man has money to burn... ...he'll find a woman who's a perfect match.