The Best (and Worst) Dad Jokes for Adults 👋

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.

I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.

Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”

I’m finally coming out of the closet It’s been 25 minutes. My little brother sucks at hide and seekI swear if he’s playing Fortnite right now I will throw him out of the goddamned window.

How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match? They're both blow for blow

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom It was just pictures of me

How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box

Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups

Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.

Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.'

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.