The Best (and Worst) Horrible & Terrible Dad Jokes 👋

My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.

If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.

I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.'

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common? They're both blood sucking parasites.

What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”... “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”

I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother. Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide