The Best (and Worst) Horrible & Terrible Dad Jokes 👋

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.

What’s Orange and Lies Constantly? A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at.

It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.'

My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?" The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me.

Why are hurricanes the best natural disaster? They at least have the decency to get you wet before violently fucking you!