The Best (and Worst) Horrible & Terrible Dad Jokes 👋

I saw a single set of footprints in the sand... "Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?""My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem. When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day.

A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.

People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.

Why does Santa have prostate cancer? Because he only cums once a year.

We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.” It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.>!The rest 20% are missing!<

You know that scent of moth balls? If so- you're some weird freak spreading its legs to sniff it.

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond There's a lot of pressure

A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe… And it makes you limp…

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

So I read my mom's ID card today She's so bad at sex, that she got an F in it