The Best (and Worst) Horrible & Terrible Dad Jokes 👋

My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

my school held a seminar on holding orgasms. nobody came.

‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something. S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.

To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.

To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.

I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.

To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.” “But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors. But sometimes they come in handy.

Why can't Peter Pan be grounded? You: Because he Neverlands.Me: No. It's because he's a fucking orphan.

An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"

You know what disease is really hard to beat? Erectile dysfunction. (This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)