The Best (and Worst) Lame & Dodgy Dad Jokes 👋

Anders Celsius died when he was 43 years old although his rival Farenheit was convinced he was 109

I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helpingCredit: Jimmy Carr

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

Just saw a color at the paint store called "Thot". It's not too bright but it spreads easily.

For an orphan, Every bag of chips is family sized.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.

Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.'

This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory.