The Best (and Worst) Lame & Dodgy Dad Jokes 👋

What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.

Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.

Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.

I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up.

I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.

I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.

Clothes, but no cigar.

My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!" Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.

This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world. I said "Really?"She said, "Yes."

A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar. The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.

My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she’s toast.