The Best (and Worst) Horrible & Terrible Dad Jokes 👋

Cop: You're going to prison for forgery Suspect: *hands over a 37 dollar bill*Suspect: What was it you were saying?

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.I was a complete mess.I was broke and my body was ruined.But fuck me, what a night.

I saw a naked old lady I said "You look foxy."She said "Do you really think so?"I said "Yes, their titties are on their stomachs too!"

So I bought a burglar alarm. Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?

High School Bully The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please" But instead my tounge twisted and I said "You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?""A turtle" the man replied"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask"Oh, thats just Michelle"

there are no red states or blue states in america. they're all like mitch mcconnell's handssome shade of purple.

An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra? A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

I hear they make good jelly in Kentucky KY jelly.

I've been having a rough time lately wth my life, and my best friend suggested I try some insoluble fiber. He said it really helped him keep his shit together.

I knew a guy who managed to unlocked 100% of his brain He died of a seizure in the hospital, it was pretty tragic