The Best (and Worst) Lame & Dodgy Dad Jokes 👋

My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie. There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing.

Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out

my school held a seminar on holding orgasms. nobody came.

‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something. S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.

I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.

Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.

What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.